Are Bloggers Just Online Narcissists?

Narcissists. According to Psychology Today, they're "charming, exasperating, captivating—and sometimes downright ludicrous."

According to Ben Affleck, Narcissism is "the one quality that unites everybody in the film industry."

But has the self-obsessed, ego-centric ridiculousness usually reserved for performers, athletes and politicians now taken over the Web? These days, it  seems it doesn't take much more than tens of thousands of followers on YouTube to be called a "star."

Narcissists can even be found around the mom blogosphere (gasp!). I know, shocking. When I was in the TV world, incessantly talking about your kids was career suicide. Yet, women like Heather Armstrong (AKA Dooce) is said to see over five million hits a month, bringing in (an unconfirmed) cool two mil a year. She's blunt and funny and has no filter, sure. But two million bucks a year writing crap about her family and posting video of her kid saying "grandma"? It's no wonder there are so many others trying to push their way to the top.

And it's not just online. The cliques and clubs move to live events, in the form of blog conferences, screenings and other offline affairs -- often turning social networks like Twitter and Facebook more high school than usual.

Trash Your House, Be on National TV!

I think one of the most consistent lessons of my life has been at the hand of my old pal, Murphy. Funny how they can't make a law to provide adequate health care to Americans, or get it together when it comes to equal rights... but Murphy's Law hasn't changed in years.

Do You Have the Adoption Bug?

I've never made it a secret that I consider adoption to be hard. Some days, it's swallowed me whole, chewed me to a pulp and spit me out like a wad of gum, only to be stepped on by some unsuspecting fool. It's true parenting as a whole can leave you crying Uncle but adoption, at least for our family, has had an added element of complication, insecurity and unforeseen challenges.



That's why I'm always shocked fascinated by those who go back for more. For us, we had a daughter we were searching for. I had known she existed since I was a little girl myself. Adoption was just part of what makes up our family -- plain and simple. For others, they seek out children who wouldn't otherwise be adopted, opening up their minds, hearts and homes to creating a life together. Those people carry a determination and strength that leaves me in awe.

Tami and Bobby are two of those people. We witnessed the day their son Noah was forever united with them in Taiwan. Now, they're waiting for their next little guy to come home. To raise funds, they've created some cool adoption-related tees, which can be purchased HERE. Check them out. Maybe they make a cute gift for a family on your holiday list.

Social Sunday!

Do you have a blog, Website, or just want people to know about something you're doing, promoting or dreaming about?

Social Sundays are all about you! Comment below, with the url or description of your project. I'll be collecting it all and finding cool new ways to feature you all during each Social Sunday.

Can't wait to see all of your great stuff!

Blog Swap: The Meanest Mom is Here!

I'm getting the fireworks kicked off early by swapping blogs with Jana Matthews of The Meanest Mom. I am a huge fan not only of her hilarious and brutally honest writing, but especially of our no-holds-barred cross-country mom confession phone calls. While she dazzles us all with her knowledge of parenting multiples, adoption and Crohn's disease, it's her Ph.D. in Medieval Literature that makes her the hot mama she is.

Today, Jana's giving us a glimpse into her life (and Lucy's future). If you're looking for me, I'm discussing what life is like being THAT MOM over at The Meanest Mom.

My Asian Au Pair

For the past few weeks, my family has been graced with the presence of my twenty-five-year-old sister Amy, who just finished up her first year of graduate school. Among my sister's many unique attributes is the fact that she was adopted into our family from South Korea when she was an infant.

For some strange reason, an adult Asian with white parents and siblings is a concept that most people cannot seem to wrap their minds around. People are used to seeing Asian babies and toddlers with Caucasian parents, but they can't quite come to grips with the fact that these same children grow up and, when they do, they actually stay Asian.

I was reminded of how the world sees me and my sister when we were at the park the other day with my kids. I sat at the opposite end of a long picnic table occupied by a woman I didn't know, while my sister did her auntly duty of taking my boys to the bathroom for the second time in ten minutes.

"I'm thinking about getting an au pair," the woman said, leaning over to me.

"That's nice," I replied and scooted a little closer to the edge of the bench. I wasn't exactly sure why a complete stranger felt the urge to tell me this, but I felt pretty sure it wasn't because she was normal.

"She sure seems great with your kids," the woman continued, gesturing to my sister.

"She is," I stated, and began digging through my diaper bag for the vial of pepper spray I was sure I had put in there before we left.

It wasn't until the woman asked me what agency I used to secure my foreign babysitter that I realized that she thought my sister was my nanny.

When I corrected the error, the woman threw back her head and let out a loud bellow. "You two don't look anything alike!" she laughed.

A few minutes of awkward silence ensued before my sister returned and plopped herself on the bench beside me. After demanding a swig out of my water bottle, she informed me that one of my sons had urinated on the toilet seat in the public bathroom and that she refused to wipe it up. "That's your job," she reminded me and snickered.

As I dragged myself off the bench, I couldn't help but steal a glance at the woman occupying the other end. Her mouth was agape in horror at the insolence of the hired help.

It's a good thing my two other Korean siblings weren't in town as well. In particular, I can only imagine what the poor woman might have felt compelled to say or do upon overhearing my thirty-year-old brother/butler tell me to shove it when I ask him to kindly retrieve my sweater from my locked car.



Are you interested in a blog swap? Shoot me an email at jackie@thesilverwhining.com!

How I Failed My Son in One Simple Question

"Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see."

I remember those words being uttered throughout my childhood by my dad. I thought he was the coolest, wisest guy in the world (still do) -- where did he get these little gems to live by? He always had words of wisdom handy, like he kept them in his back pocket just waiting for one of his 13 kids to need it. It was not 'til years later I realized that statement is from the mouth of Ben Franklin and not Bob Morgan. Whatever - he's still cool in my book.

That sentence has never rung more true than now. You see, words that were written -- typed at my computer by my very own fingers -- have left me as the focus, perhaps even a target, in a number posts and comments on the Internet, creating opinions of me that couldn't be further from the truth. But I can't even blame them.

A year ago, I wrote a piece for momlogic, entitled "Mommy, Why is Her Face Brown." I told the story of how 3-year-old Jacob, on a visit to my office, asked that very question while chatting with a co-worker in my office. I wondered whether I should even write it... worrying about every word, questioning myself through every step of getting it up on the site. I didn't once reveal the real me in it, instead opting to tell the story in a soft and delicate way -- tying it all up in a pretty little bow at the end like it was a special episode of "Blossom."

But that wasn't my biggest mistake.

When Jacob asked that now infamous question, I turned to my co-worker to field it. A move that makes me cringe when I think about it, one of those moments I replay in my mind, continually feeling ashamed at the cowardly way I handled my own son wanting his mommy to help him work through something in his head. I dropped the ball entirely. My co-worker playfully addressed the question, talking about her gorgeous skin being a "shade of peanut butter," something that would come up every afternoon during lunch when Jacob would bite into his PB&J sandwich.

But there were other things going on that day. I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't share the complicated feelings swirling around in my head and heart. Expressing them and asking important questions could possibly have created conversation and not just evoked judgment and anger.

But I didn't.

As anyone who knows us or has read my blog recently can tell you, Jacob was certainly not a kid who asked "why" very often. In fact, to this day, he has used that word less than a handful of times. You know those kids who are all, "why, why, why"? He's not one of them. It's one of the very things we go to early intervention for, clearly stated on his goals -- "W questions." And a year ago, I can honestly say he had not once uttered that word, his ability to express himself not sophisticated enough to communicate those thoughts.

When Jacob asked us why her face was brown, Jeff and I were dumbfounded. We can both recall wondering simultaneously "are you kidding us -- where the hell did that come from?" There were so many reasons we were stunned, in addition to developmentally. We were in the process of waiting for Lucy to come home from Taiwan, something we discussed every single day in our house. We looked at pictures and talked about adoption and were lost in learning all there was about the Taiwanese culture. Jacob never uttered a word about his sister looking any different. We live in the LA area, we have friends and family members with different skin colors, backgrounds and nationalities. Never once was it something he mentioned and it's not like we were pointing out to a 3-year-old, "notice how so-and-so looks different from you." It wasn't something we were afraid of, we just hadn't arrived there yet.

During our adoption wait, I was obsessive. Not only were the attachment and bonding books devoured every night as they sat on my nightstand, I was doing everything I could to learn how to empathize with my daughter and some of the feelings she might have -- how she could certainly see herself as "different." I was emotionally raw and terrified to think my baby girl could be judged based on how she looked. Like any mother, I wanted to save her any pain, or at least minimize it. The way to do that (as much as I realistically could) was by educating myself. Prejudice and racism was at the front of my mind. I spent countless hours on adoptee blogs, reading articles and expert advice -- doing what I thought was right by my daughter.

I can remember that day in my office so clearly. I remember the feeling of nausea that swept through my entire body. My initial reaction, the thing that drove me, was the fear that my son -- my innocent, sweet, lovely son -- had hurt someone I worked with, someone I respected, someone I cared about. What I never realized was that it was I who hurt her.

I missed a teachable moment that day. But the person who needed to be taught wasn't Jacob. It was me. I was given the opportunity to provide my son his very first life lesson through conversation. I blew that chance. Because of this, those who have commented on momlogic have offered their own opinions of who I really am, wondering why my children are so isolated by the snooty white woman and kept from anyone who doesn't share my same skin color. They question what I teach my children. They assume I am racist.

In all the time I've been blogging, I've most always been able to shake off negative comments, knowing that they come from others' anger or ignorance -- but I don't want to do that now.

Because this time, it's different. Some of them are actually right.

Recently, other blogs caught wind of the post and have written their own thoughts on it. While some are outright bashing me, others have created conversation. Anti-Racist Parent, a site I was introduced to while waiting for Lucy, is a place I have turned to on a number of occasions, reading posts and comments that have helped me through some of the challenges I've felt while waiting for and parenting my internationally adopted daughter. Now editor Tami Winfrey Harris was writing about me, expressing her feelings on my post, inviting four of ARP's columnists to weigh in.

And today it's Lisa Belkin of the NY Times using my experience as a topic of discussion, asking parents to share what they've taught their children about race.

I will be honest with you here. My first reaction to all of this was to curl up in the fetal position and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to beg momlogic to pull the post down. I wanted to pretend I never wrote it, hoping that the sites who linked to it would never get any hits. Then my feelings flipped and I wanted to comment on every single post, explaining that I'm not this evil person... I just made a mistake. Surely they couldn't believe that I would be the clueless priviledged white woman that's being judged all over the Web, could they?

I'm not going to do either of those things. I'm going to take ownership of the post and of my feelings. Because those who love me know who I really am and those who choose to see me as anything but my true self, I can't change that. But I have learned a few lessons here. I need to continue to write based on my real feelings, tapping into my own original thoughts, my insecurities and fears, never losing site of being authentic. I will write the truth (according to me) and not what I think others want. I am human. I am flawed. And I don't know about you but there's a good chance I will screw up again in my lifetime. But I will continue to acknowledge my mistakes and hopefully grow from them. Because that's all I can do.

I Confess

What are you doing right now -- like, right this second? Are you reading this when you should be working? Making dinner? Helping a kid with homework? Doing your own homework?

Every day I find myself doing things I would be embarrassed to be caught partaking in. For instance, if you saw me right now in the workout clothes I put on at 7 AM, even though I haven't mustered up the energy to exercise, I would feel a little red in the face. And God forbid you saw me shovel bottom-of-the-box Cheez-It crumbs into my mouth, calling it lunch. Yeah, if you caught wind of that I would surely be humiliated. Oh and I would run screaming if you ever witnessed the way I check Facebook during "family movie night." (really, am I expected to watch Bolt for the 47th time?)

If anyone on this planet appreciates a good confession, it's my friend Romi. She's the author of True Mom Confessions and the addicting (and anonymous) TrueMomConfessions.com. Her new book is a fantastic summer read and guess what -- you can win it!

Comment below, telling me your juiciest confession and you'll automatically be entered to win one-of-three signed copies! Who doesn't love a little guilty pleasure?

Contest open until 11:59 PM on June 15. Winners will be chosen at random and announced June 17.

PS: If you are a Taiwan-On subscriber, whether through a reader, email or link to it from your blog... please change it to http://thesilverwhining.com. Sorry to all of you who've been missing my posts since starting the new blog!

It's Time to "Get in the Picture"

Back in March, I issued a challenge. Instead of taking photos of your kids, I encouraged mothers everywhere to get in the picture. I was amazed at the emails and comments I got from moms who, too, admitted they're guilty of waiting until they "showered" or "weren't so heavy" or "had makeup on." Let's be honest, will we ever look exactly the way we want?

Don't make that mistake.

Kids don't care how you look. They just want to look back one day and have a memory of their childhood -- with mom in it. The emails I've gotten from those who've lost a parent and wish they had more photos... or even just those who say it goes by too fast and don't have anything to look back on. If you haven't sent me a picture of you and your children -- or you and your mom -- it's not too late. Email me at jackie@thesilverwhining.com.

Enjoy these great shots. And thanks to all who participated!



Tomorrow: Read the inspiration for our new blog and the photo shoot that opened my eyes. And later this week: the ups, downs and emotional conflict that is Mother's Day.

Hold Them Tight

The entire blogging community has come together to help a family suffering from the most unimaginable grief there is. When Heather Spohr, a blogger and mom of the beautiful Maddie, started blogging and tweeting about her daughter's need for breathing treatments and hospital visits, no one could have ever imagined hours later, her daughter would no longer be with us.

I remember looking at her updates on Twitter. And thinking back to our own recent scare with Brady. Heather didn't bring her child home from the hospital. She and her husband Mike were robbed of anymore time with their beautiful child. And while I don't know them at all, I can't stop thinking about their pain.

There are many ways you can help the family, both supporting them and the causes they care about. But this post isn't about getting you to contribute, it's about stopping in this moment, forgetting about everything else and being present with your kids. Because over and over again, life has been proven to be short. Every moment counts.

Are You the Mother of All Bloggers?

The Momlogic Community and Mom Bloggers Club are teaming up to find the best of the best mom bloggers! I am so psyched to be one of the four judges, teaming up with Parent and Child Magazine’s Mommy Blogger Award recipients Jana Matthews of The Meanest Mom and Sandy Lee of Momisodes, along with Mom Bloggers Club founder, Jennifer James!

Grand Prize: A laptop computer and a new blog design by The Pixel Boutique. PLUS, the Mother's Day lead story spot on Momlogic.com!
2nd/3rd place New blog design and prime space on Momlogic.com on Mother’s Day!
The remaining top ten will also be featured on Momlogic.com this Mother’s Day in the special Mother of All Bloggers feature!

I know so many of you have funny, thoughtful, and honest blogs. Come on over and enter!

Join the Movement

When I posted about the very limited number of photos I have with my mom -- like one -- I hoped I would make a few people think and send a message to remind moms to get in the picture with their kids. Whether a child suffers a loss and wants to remember a parent holding them or just grows up and wants to look back on fond memories, as moms we tend to produce so much, we forget to co-star in the show.

Not only have I received several photos of mothers and children to post, I have read emails sharing incredible stories of happy memories, tragic loss and lots of nostalgia. It got me to thinking that I'm not ready to post the photos yet. I think this is bigger than one post... I think what we've got here could be a movement. Grab those kids and cameras, let's get everyone we know to stop and snap. I even created a button you can share on your blog to promote this. Can you imagine together how many moms we can reach and how many memories we can document, helping moms and kids everywhere remember the years that go by much too quickly.



Help me spread the word of my "Get the Picture" movement by posting the badge below on your own blog to get more moms to submit photos. Imagine the powerful collection of photos we'll have to share with the world!

PS: Don't worry, dads... you'll get your turn!

Dedicated to My E-FFs

What's an E-FF? It's a BFF (best friend forever) with whom you communicate mostly online. When we were going through the adoption process, Tiff and Ramona were my support and place to laugh, cry and vent. Throughout the year-long wait for Lucy, Tiff -- who waited almost as long for Gracyn -- and I would say, "one day, we'll be at Disneyland with our little girls," along with Jaden, who was Lucy's SLC sister.

My relationship with these two incredible women is even stronger post-adoption. If there was ever a real, raw and honest place to turn -- they are it.

Details to follow but here we are... living the dream, with our little girls.


And don't forget to visit their blogs regularly... you can find them in my blogroll.