Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Still Just a Girl

There are certain times throughout the year that cause me to reflect on my life and where it's taken me.

Today is one of those days. February 24th, 1995 is the date I squeezed myself into my little car with all of my personal belongings -- and a friend -- and drove across the U.S. in search of myself. I've been thinking of all I've experienced since leaving Boston and arriving three days later in LA... all I've endured, both alone and with Jeff, before kids and after.

I've also been thinking a lot about my family, my work and this blog, and what I really want to accomplish. I had a conversation with another blogger last week where she, too, was expressing her feelings on life on the Internet -- how it's easy to second guess ourselves when we open up to others' opinions. The occasional comments I receive that scrutinize my life choices has certainly hurt my heart at times, but has also given me even tougher skin (especially around the elbows, strangely enough). Hey, when you blog, it comes with the territory, right?

But some weeks it can really weigh on me, having our lives out there for the public to weigh in on like a bad reality show. People -- both anonymous and otherwise -- letting me know that they think their way of parenting is superior to mine... that my words aren't those of a mother who does right by her family. It confuses me that some -- especially my fellow mothers -- could be so quick to judge others without really knowing the whole story. And sometimes I find myself thinking, if only they knew that each breath that enters my body is for the three children I have been privileged to raise. That my life would be nothing without them and that every decision I make is for the family I have committed my life to.

It's weeks like these that leave me wondering maybe people don't really want to read honest and uncensored thoughts and feelings. That what they really want is unicorns and rainbows disguised as real life. Maybe Taiwan-On has run its course -- that it's time to wrap up this part of the journey, find a new outlet for all of the questions, concerns, fears, and incredible joys that come with this remarkable life I was blessed with.

I know the most important thing I can do at this point is the same thing I've done for most of my life -- follow my heart. And that's what I'll do, wherever it takes me...

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