Deep Breaths...

The cell phone rings... I look down at the screen and there it is. Any and every time our adoption agency calls, it's like being knocked over with emotion. Although we know that we won't hear anything for several more months, there's something inside that says "is this it?" when I see that phone number on the caller id.

I let it go to voicemail since I was in the middle of the meeting. But a minute later, I excused myself to listen to the message. I just had to know what was up!

The message went something like this:

"Hi Jackie, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, we have some new information (or did she say changes?) about the Taiwan program, give me a call."

My heart sank. For those of you who don't know, the adoptions through Guatemala have been facing tough times. Who knows if the program will stop there. I feel so much for the parents-to-be who've been waiting and know have to deal with such unknowns. Was this now happening in Taiwan? Of course not -- but my head went immediately to something keeping us from finding our little girl.

I called back and after a little bit of phone tag, I talked to Kerry. She told me that they're starting a new program and will have some older child referrals coming up in the days or weeks ahead. She is calling all of the Heartsent families to inform them in case they were open to an older child. Get this - some of these "older children" are toddlers. So by "older", they just mean not infants.

So what does this mean for us? Well, anyone who knows me knows that since I was a little girl, I saw myself adopting a girl who wasn't an infant. I was three when my mother passed away. What would've happened if Mary didn't join our family because she only wanted an infant? I was given another chance at a normal life. I will forever be grateful for that.

I called Jeff and told him about the conversation. We both agree that our biggest concern is that our daughter remains the "little" sister. J is three and B will be two next week. We'd like her to be younger than her brothers. The research I need to do now is more on the "birth order" psychology and determine how much younger is young enough to be considered the youngest. One month? Three months? A year?

I can barely see straight right now. Our little girl may be in Taiwan right now waiting for us. If that's the case, she could be here much sooner than we ever expected. Or is someone pregnant with her right now and we'll meet her sometime next year? One thing is for sure, the child we are meant to have is the one we'll have. And we can't wait to love her. I think I already do.