As I mentioned last week, I'll be using TSW to tap into the thoughts and opinions of my readers, sometimes using your comments for Web or magazine articles I'm writing or even future blog posts here. This is one of those times.
Recently, I had an honest conversation with a woman I know who's going through a pretty significant transition, both within her marriage and as a mom. We talked about how hard most moms work for the kids, sacrificing ourselves -- and often marriages -- in the process.
It made me wonder... with all it takes to be a "good mom," can you possibly be a "good wife" too? Is one more important than the other? Which are you better at? I have some strong thoughts on this (which you'll be able to read on tomorrow's family.com post).
PS While I have been known to use Facebook to get responses, I think people are so concerned to not have conflicting opinions... here, you are free to use any name and stay anonymous!
7 comments:
I believe I'm a better mom than a partner. And I strongly believe that is the way it should be. I also believe the inverse to be true. I believe a "good: dad will be a better dad than a spouse.
And this is just my opinion. I believe that if you choose to have children,then they should always be your first priority. Any decent spouse and co-parent would recognize this and accept it. After all, your spouse is suppose to be your spouse for a lifetime. And while your children are your children for a lifetime, you only raise them for a brief window of your total life.
The first 3 years are going to be the most difficult because those are the most important to the child. Followed by the next 2 years. And then before you know it, they are doing a lot of things on their own, freeing up more time to dedicate to your spouse. Those "difficult" years go by with the blink of an eye. Make them count, especially if your goal is to raise functioning adults.
As I said, just my opinion.
I just wanna do it all, Jackie, and do it well. As a result, I do everything half-assed.
Ok, I'll take the anonymity offer. I think in order to be a great [spouse, parent, whatever] I have to focus on being a great person first and everything else falls into place from there. Feel free to throw stones or light torches, but I find that when I am focused on being a person of integrity, of respectfulness, of generosity, of whatever values I hold to be most important - when I am focused on being the best person I can be in the world, that starts inside and extends out to everyone in my life, my spouse, my children, my co-workers, friends, strangers. When I am focused on being the best I can be anywhere anytime, I end up taking care of myself better (who else is going to do it?), taking care of my marriage better, taking care of my kids better and leaving the world a better place than I found it, everywhere I go. When I'm focused on "being the best [spouse, parent, whatever]", it's usually because, deep down, I feel that I am NOT being the best me I can be, or someone seems to be doing better than I am, leaving me feeling less-than. When I'm focused on out-doing in some area of my life I end up being frustrated, short-tempered, exhausted and disappointed, while usually making a mess in some other area of my life. I don't see it as either/or, I think it's all or nothing.
I so believe both are possible. Afterall, a good wife can make a better mom, as the marriage relationship impacts a child's security. But I too am more attuned to making myself a better mom, because it seems to come more naturally to me. Being a good wife is just purely hard work, and I need to pray more in that area, that God will refine my mommy skills for Daddy, too.
I feel you always need to be a good wife first and being good parents will follow.Always put your spouse first. It breaks my heart to see women so wraped up in their kids that when they are grown they have no more husband. Then there really isn't a family at all. I am tired of seing spouses put on the back burner. I know I may not be the norm but I have an awesome husband and fab family.
Hopefully your relationship w/ God came first. Then your marriage then your children. therefore your faith comes first and foremost. Then your spouse (because you had him before you had children!) and then your kids. Your kids need the strength you gain from your faith, and your relationship you have with their father then they will have security. Then you can teach them about faith and your God and have a wonderful father b/c the father knows how important they really are. Are sacrifices made... absolutely, but anything worth having has a price... what price will you pay to be the perfect mom? your faith, your marriage, even your children....
Oh my..another really good one. And, geez, how long have I been out of the loop? I didn't know you were back on here blogging so much!
But back to the question. Hmmm. My marriage has been sacrificed for sure. After a year and 2 months of working my butt off to be super-mom, I am finally getting a little balance. Carving out time for me. Taking yoga and taking time to make myself look nice now and again goes a long way for everyone. LOL. But seriously, I think that you DO have to dedicate yourself to the child first, but also find a way to not lose yourself (and the person your husband fell in love with) in the process. My baby is still the priority but more date nights and time with my husband are working their way back into the schedule as well as regular work outs.
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